Wednesday, October 04, 2006

you get what you pay for

First of all, let me just say - thank you to those who cared.

Sometimes people do things against their better judgment. They do them knowing that for them, it probably isn’t the right decision and that eventually they’ll pay for ignoring their gut instinct.

I never should have started blogging.

When I started this blog it was because I thought maybe it would make me feel less alone. Having no friends or family who understand the pain of infertility was hard. Going it alone was very hard. Blogging made me feel not so alone. It gave me a voice that could be heard not just by myself, but by other people like me. I wasn’t just screaming in an empty room anymore.

But my voice was also heard by others who didn’t understand…who didn’t care. It was heard by everyone - judge, jury…and executioner.

Blogging opened me up to the scrutiny of others. It opened me up to unsolicited criticism and being told what an asshole I really am.

When I started my blog I decided to remain anonymous. Perhaps that was my mistake. Apparently, nameless = emotionless. It means that you can sling arrows at me without conscience – that you can gather a lynch mob and lead them to my doorstep because I’m nothing but an unfeeling computer screen. Well, I’m not. I am a human being. I have a name and just because you don’t know what it is doesn’t mean that I’m not just as real as you are. If I were standing right in front of you, would you treat me the same way – like my feelings are worthless and I don’t deserve the same respect as you?

If so, then I guess you’re the asshole.

As the tears of another failed cycle mix with the tears of being judged a worthless infertile bitch, I am forced to answer a question that I (and other infertiles) have had to answer time and time again. Is the pain worth the benefit? Only this time, it is with regards to keeping this blog…

…and the answer is no.

I made a mistake in allowing the world into my life and now I’m fixing it.

It ends here.