Wednesday, October 04, 2006

you get what you pay for

First of all, let me just say - thank you to those who cared.


Sometimes people do things against their better judgment. They do them knowing that for them, it probably isn’t the right decision and that eventually they’ll pay for ignoring their gut instinct.

I never should have started blogging.

When I started this blog it was because I thought maybe it would make me feel less alone. Having no friends or family who understand the pain of infertility was hard. Going it alone was very hard. Blogging made me feel not so alone. It gave me a voice that could be heard not just by myself, but by other people like me. I wasn’t just screaming in an empty room anymore.

But my voice was also heard by others who didn’t understand…who didn’t care. It was heard by everyone - judge, jury…and executioner.

Blogging opened me up to the scrutiny of others. It opened me up to unsolicited criticism and being told what an asshole I really am.

When I started my blog I decided to remain anonymous. Perhaps that was my mistake. Apparently, nameless = emotionless. It means that you can sling arrows at me without conscience – that you can gather a lynch mob and lead them to my doorstep because I’m nothing but an unfeeling computer screen. Well, I’m not. I am a human being. I have a name and just because you don’t know what it is doesn’t mean that I’m not just as real as you are. If I were standing right in front of you, would you treat me the same way – like my feelings are worthless and I don’t deserve the same respect as you?

If so, then I guess you’re the asshole.

As the tears of another failed cycle mix with the tears of being judged a worthless infertile bitch, I am forced to answer a question that I (and other infertiles) have had to answer time and time again. Is the pain worth the benefit? Only this time, it is with regards to keeping this blog…

…and the answer is no.

I made a mistake in allowing the world into my life and now I’m fixing it.

It ends here.

21 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

I'm so sorry you were hurt. I'm even more sorry that you won't be blogging anymore. I'll miss you.

9:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe instead of having a tentrum, you should have a hard honest look at yourself. Those are the hardest to do and are a sign of maturity.
Good luck

10:29 AM  
Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

I'm sorry too - you should be able to blog without having people attack you. It is your blog and your feelings are valid, no matter what anyone else says. If they don't agree, they can go elsewhere.

You will be missed. Perhaps you could keep your blog for therapeutic reasons (your posting) but disable the comments?

11:19 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Ms. X,
Someone felt so strongly they wanted to comment but didn't have a blogger account and you disabled anon post (which I see why after what I read the last jerk off wrote on here) - they wanted me to post it. This is what they left on my blog:

This comment is coming out of left field - and for that I apologize.

I followed a link to barren island's blog and felt badly for her. I wanted to comment, but she has disabled annonymous comments and I don't have a blogger account.

If you wouldn't mind, would you post my comment for me? I know how cruel the group that has targetted her can be, and I don't want her to lose all means of support. My comment was this:

"If you're looking for support and community - try livejournal.com. They allow you to add security to your posts - Public, Friends Only, or Private.

This allows you to share what you're experiencing with only those people who will listen, empathize, and give you honest feedback without promoting their own agendas. Thats what friends do, afterall.

There are a number of communities on LJ as well, and I expect you'll be able to find some set up specifically for issues surrounding infertility."

Thanks for listening and, again, Im sorry for any intrusion.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Keeping The Faith said...

Maybe you can put a password protect on your blog. It sucks that you would have too but I truly believe there are many of us out there that are loving, and supportive in a non-judgmental way.

I hope you don't let one person run you off since we all want you here. They are the one that should be ashamed... this is your place to be honest and let it all out. If someone doesn't like what they read then they should stop reading.

I'm sorry you were hurt. Maybe you can take some time and when you’re ready you can come back. I also like Hopeful Mother's

Take care- Faith

12:22 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I made a new email address and added it to my profile - please keep in touch!

12:57 PM  
Blogger projgen said...

Huge hugs, x. I will truly miss you, but totally understand. I've been pretty lucky in not having jackasses feel they can spew at me on my blog, but I know it's going to happen, and I'm not sure how I will feel when it does.

I wish you peace and serenity and freedom from this pain you are subjected to. May the decision to close your blog be a good step to a new year full of blessings.

I hope I occasionally see you around on my blog, but if not, take care and be well. And please feel free to email me anytime! I'm happy to lend an "ear" or just catch up.

I'll miss you.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Hope548 said...

Oh I will miss you Ms. X! I am so sorry that people were total a-holes to you and it makes me ill. I hope I was never one of those a-holes. I know I asked you a lot of questions in the beginning, but always tried to be supportive after that. You were only ever being honest and there is no need for anyone to judge you. After all, we can't help how we feel. Good luck and take care! I really hope things start looking up for you soon, and please don't take to heart the rude things that chicken shit anonymous commenters say to you!

4:24 PM  
Blogger deanna said...

oh, sweetie...that freaking SUCKS. I'm so sorry you were attacked by people who felt their opinions were so damn important, it was worth damaging another person... *hugs*

I wish you weren't going away...

7:36 AM  
Blogger Just another Jenny said...

Oh dammit, I am so sorry that someone has decided to target you. I didn't see the comment that caused all of this but it doesn't matter anyway. The negative bullshit hurts so much, it can erase the joy of 100 positive comments. If you find a new home for blogging, please let me know.
I wish you all the best. I am so sorry that you've suffered through another negative cycle.

11:25 AM  
Blogger My Reality said...

Oh ms.x - I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. I will be thinking of you.

12:42 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Ms X, I'm so sorry you got hammered by someone or some people. I hope that life gets better for you from here.

8:28 AM  
Blogger ms. c said...

Ms. X, I'm sorry someone or something happened to make you leave this space. I can't imageine what causes people to attack someone on her own blog. I will miss you, and I hope you will find peace and happiness on whatever journeys your life takes you on.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

*gasp*
Ms. X, I only just saw this, as I've been in a bit of a funk for the last couple weeks. I'm very sorry to see you go, but I thoroughly understand.

Others have suggested password protecting your blog (blogger can do that now, or other services, like LiveJournal or others can accomodate security features), and I agree. If absent the assholes on the internet, your blog was therapeutic and helpful, then I encourage you to continue, with security features added in.

Regardless, I wish you luck in your fertility journey. It's a sucky journey to go through alone.

12:43 PM  
Blogger Rachel Inbar said...

I never read your blog, but whoever judged you without understanding what you are going through is doomed to that happening to them someday.

One of the things I most admire my parents for is for not judging me when I went through a really bad time in my life. They may not have understood, but they stood beside me - and I KNOW it was hard. For strangers, it shouldn't even be that difficult...

6:54 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

I am so sorry a group of small minds have used you for their form of sport. I hope that after the ache settles you do continue blogging be it with a passworded blog or a whole new one, You are NOT alone and you don't need to be, infertilty hurts but having no support makes the hurt so much more soul destroying.

Please think about another way to blog people do care the majority of people out here wish you well, it's only the assholes that don't and they will always be just that pitiful lonely creatures.

8:47 PM  
Blogger The Liberal Libertarian said...

I check you blog from time to time, as I am on a similar jurney as yours. I am sorry that you left and I have fond wishes for you.

2:56 PM  
Blogger Infertile Girl said...

This is HORRIBLE, I cannot believe you are getting this treatment. Not only are you dealing with infertility but then you have this....wow I am sorry and hope you continue to blog, under another name something. If not my email is infertilegirl@blogspot.com if you want to talk. And this is to the asshole commenter; Come on I dare you to send me an email you'll be sorry.

8:21 AM  
Blogger Infertile Girl said...

Sorry wrong email infertilegirl@gmail.com is my email....write if you need to vent in a SAFE place

8:22 AM  
Blogger linda said...

I just found your blog. I am stunned that you were treated so cruelly at a time in your life when you could have used support. I am sorry that the IF community was so horrible to you.

8:50 PM  
Blogger Ashley said...

I am so sorry to see this. I just stumbled across your blog, and my heart just breaks for you. I dont understand why so many idiots think internet bullying is ok!! I have been a victim(not on my blog but on a ttc forum) and it is just the worst thing to top off going through this unfortunate journey. I will be praying for you! I hope you find a way to continue to express yourself without idiots attacking you!

10:02 PM  

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